1. Difference in opinion, lifestyle, judgment and the “Me first” ideology
Every marriage has its own problems, every marriage carries its own cross, that is just part of life. People who say otherwise are simply lying. It is very difficult to live on a daily basis with a person who has grown up in a different family, and has its own set of ways, its own customs, its own ideas, etc etc. Marriage is not easy, in fact, it is hard work; it often demands you to put yourself and your wishes aside, leaving you often with the feeling that you are more giving and less taking. Marriage is something that needs to be worked at day by day. It has its good moments and it has its bad moments. It is not unusual though for a marriage to have its ups and downs, for marriage is basically the union of two different people who came together and decided to marry and spend both their lives together.
This is of course fertile ground to experience differences in some areas of their married lives. These differences can be a difference of ideology on certain topics, differences of taste or difference of judgment. As long as these differences can be discussed in harmony they are fairly normal, but if these differences grow up to be fertile ground for heated discussions and debates that end up in fighting, these are wrong, and should be worked at. We all have our own opinions and our spouses should accept these, as well as we ought to accept their opinions. That is what we call to have respect for one another. Many spouses come from a totally different background from each other, and often need adjusting to each other’s ideas. We all know that our outlook on life reflects our upbringing and our family background. If two people who come from different backgrounds reject to accept each other’s ideology, the stage is set for serious fighting and disagreeing.
We often fall in love with someone and the dating time is usually exciting and much fun. Life as a couple usually starts whenever we marry, because then we will be united to our spouses all day long. We will not only see the good things but also the bad things. None of us is perfect, and each one of us has its own set of ways, which can be irritating to our spouses. The clue lies in the ability to accept these differences. Unfortunately not everybody can do this. One of the negative factors today is the new ideology of the “Me, Me and me first”. Many marriages collapse due to this ideology. In marriage you simply ‘cannot’ continuously put yourself and your needs first. Marriage is denying oneself in order to please the other. It is giving and taking, giving in and often even swallowing things up for the sake of the peace in the marriage. Don’t get me wrong here, I am not saying that you have to cope with everything your spouse does, but what I am saying is that you have to make a balance, draw a line of what is acceptable and what is not. What is not acceptable is always demanding this or that from your spouse. You ought to give too, even if you sometimes do not feel like giving.
2.Children
Another fairly common problem for stress and problems within the marriage is of course children. One of the first difficulties that can arise within a marriage is when the children are still small. Small children need much looking after, it is only too logical for they do not have the right set of boundaries yet, and do not know what might harm them and what might not. The mother is continuously looking after those little ones all day long, leaving her at the end of the day totally exhausted and worn out. Do not get me wrong here, many mothers love to do so, but nevertheless it is not an easy task to do. I think every mother can corroborate this.
This can leave the husband a bit on the outside. Many men come to counselling in this period because they feel rejected (usually sexually) by their spouse. Many wives do simply not have the energy to have sexual intercourse with their husbands in those times. All energy is used up during day time when the little ones run around and need their mother’s care and looking after. This leaves the husband not only with a sense of rejection, but many men feel a communication breakdown during this period. You need to realize that this time is a precarious time for affairs.
Another problem that can put much strain on a marriage is when the children are adolescent. Who does not know how difficult sometimes adolescents can be? I know for I was one of them. Difficult to manage and difficult to live with. Many parents try to understand their children in their own ways, and try to reprimand them in a different way than their spouse. For example, a young adolescent wants to hang out with his friends. The mother says he should be at home at one o’clock in the morning, but daddy says he should be home at twelve and not a minute later.This lack of communication between the parents will manifest itself in the adolescent. Of course the adolescent in this case will try to get home at one. In this way he can have more time to have fun. So he goes to his mother and tries to get his way. Because of the parents disability to agree, a fight will emerge. This example is just one of the many that may arise in a marriage with young adolescent children.
Many parents fail to realize that there needs to be a complete unity as to how to raise the children. What is allowed and what is not should be discussed on forehand, always; preferably on a daily basis. In this way you keep much harmony within the marriage and your children will not get confused. Another difficulty in this period is when one of the spouses has its own difficulty with the growing adolescent. Mothers tend to be more forgiving and lenient to their offspring, while fathers try to exercise much more authority. What mother often condones the father forbids. Or the changing character of the child may be a cause for strife within the marriage. How many parents have not thought beforehand what their child should be? And what if the child turns out to be totally different than expected? Many parents do struggle with this. You have to learn to accept your children as they are, separate individuals with their own mentality, their own outlook on life. They demand your respect as much as they should respect you.
3. Children’s friends
Another problem in a marriage during this period is or can be your children’s friends. How many parents do not have difficulties with their offspring’s friends? How many parents try not to intervene in their child’s choice for friends? A good example was given here in Holland a couple of weeks ago. Two young adolescent girls where forbidden by both their parents to be friends, and consequently decided to leave their homes in order to keep their friendship. The country was in uproar and everybody was looking out for those missing young girls. They decided to come back home when one of the parents told on National TV that they could keep their friendship.
Even though the concern of parents regarding the choice of friends of their kids is sometimes very understandable, you need to realize that your children are their own people as well. They make their own choices. You can try to help them make the right ones but you cannot force them to make the choice you want them to. They will rebel against you if you do, and sometimes even leave home prematurely because of it. Instead, you should try to understand your child as good as possible, keep an open communication with him or her, in order to know as much as possible what goes on in your child’s life. In this way you can be prepared to handle when action needs to be taken.
Choice of boyfriends is also a fairly common reason for problems within the marriage. Even though you do not approve of your daughter’s or son’s choice, you should try to do so. For your daughter’s and your son’s sake. Just keep in mind that in most of the times, although not in all, their choices are temporary. Every child will all in love a couple of times during this period and will date. This is part of their growing up, part of the establishment of their own personality. They need this in order to see what kind of a partner suits them and what kind of a partner will not. If you try to intervene, or split them up, you will only find that he or she will stick closer to him or her. It is all about communication and letting your children grow up. Many parents have difficulties in seeing the changes in their child’s life. This comes because THEY themselves have made up a imaginary picture of how their child should be and should grow up. This is totally unrealistic and it is a fertile ground for many problems not only within the marriage but with your children as well.
Every child has the right and the need to develop its own outlook on life. It is usually up to the parents to stimulate this in a harmonious way. Children are an asset to a marriage and never a liability. They enrich your life and your marriage. At least if you work at it. The marriage will suffer for a while due to the children, that is only too normal, but it will also suffers due to the spouses. A home where so many different people live together is bound to have its ups and downs. The key issue here is, how you manage those issues that will arise in the family and will strain your marriage.Even though it is not easy, nevertheless it is possible!
4. In-laws
While we have briefly discussed possible problems in the marriage that come from within, let’s discuss a problem for a marriage that comes from without. In-laws. How many marriages are not strained due to overbearing and controlling In-laws? How many wives are not struggling with an overprotective and intriguing mother in-law? Or the other way around, how many husbands are not living with their wives as well as with their mother in law in a manner of speech? Many, many folks. Couples fail to realize that when you enter a partnership, the members of this partnership is you and your partner, and not the whole family as well. Whenever you marry, you will always get your in-laws for free. They come along with the package. The problem arises when you let your family or your In-laws take over and control your marriage. Many partners simply allow and give their parents or in-laws too much space in their marriage for their own good. Many mothers for example, have difficulty in letting go of their daughter.
They hide behind their self-made lie that their child cannot live without them, only covering their own need of manipulation and dominance in this way. Marriages suffer because of such an In-law, and believe me, they are more common than you think! Many In-laws just simply do not approve of the choice of partner of their child and do anything possible to make that known. The partner usually feels rejected by them and this is bound to give problems in the marriage. It always does. Usually it is the In-laws of the wife who are the most difficult, but it can also be the other way around. Truth is, that many mothers cannot let go of their sons, terrified to loose them for good.
They fear that once their son is married they will loose him to this woman and will not need them anymore. They manipulate their son’s marriage in such a way and subsequently create such an atmosphere in which the son feels guilty towards his parents whenever they complain that he does not comply to their demands, which go often at the expense of the wife. Of course this will cause serious clashes in the marriage. In-laws do good to stay out of their children’s marriage, even though they do not approve of their child’s choice. It is their choice and they should live with it. On the other hand, in a marriage, the couple should agree on how to deal with in-laws. The partner should always come first, no doubt about that. It is unhealthy to put your mother first. A child leaves the house to get married and the partner should always go first. In this way the marriage will stand the attacks of outside.
5. Friends
Maybe, just only maybe, some of you may understand what I mean by this. Friends can be a serious cause of problems within a marriage. Usually whenever you meet your spouse you inherit also his or her friends, for those are part of his or her life.. Friends are very important and a good friend is a most valuable thing indeed. The Bible confirms this for it tells us that : “A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”(Prov 17:17. A good friend will stay with you not only in the good times but through the bad ones as well. The Bible even goes on to tell us that a friend sticks even closer to us than a brother:”A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother”(Prov. 18:24).
Even though this is very true, unfortunately it not always applies to everyone. A friendship can be tested and tried as well. It is in those testing times that we usually will learn who is our true friend and who is not! One of these testing times may be when one of the friends gets into a relationship. A friend that starts a new relationship will have less time for friendship and more time for love, that is only too natural. Of course the friendship will change do to this, but the issue here is how this change will be. Will the friendship survive this time? Or will it not?
This can be a cause for a friendship to end. The same goes for marriage. Whenever you marry someone, you will also inherit his or her friends as well, whether you like them or not. Usually it takes adaptation from both sides to learn to like or accept each other. Unfortunately this is not always the case. There are many friends as well as spouses, however, who simply refuse to accept the friendship or choice of spouse of the other. The result is that the marriage will suffer tension due to this problem. You need to understand that even though you have your doubts or your dislike towards your spouse’s friends, you need for the sake of the marriage, learn to learn to accept them.
On the other hand, the friends of your spouse will have to learn to accept you if they still want the friendship. However, there are some exceptions as well. If your spouse’s friends do not like you nor make any effort to accept you, your spouse better end that friendship. Otherwise your marriage will suffer an innumerable amount of stress. If your friends cannot accept your choice for a spouse, they are not true friends. A good friend accepts your choice, always. It is my opinion that you have to accept whomever your friends marry. Even though you may have your reservations about them., you still are not at liberty to judge that choice, your responsibility as a friend is to accept that choice!
6. Ex-wives, Ex-husbands
Now this is can be a considerable amount of stress in a marriage, often leading to huge fights and sometimes even leading up to divorce! Unfortunately not all divorces end up in harmony and one of the partners is left behind with all kinds of emotions. Many spouses are left for another one, usually leaving the left behind spouse with a deep sense of rejection, hatred, anger and whatever more negative but understandable emotions It gets worse when children are involved. Children are being used as a pawn for revenge against the other, often at the expense of not only the children, who suffer immensely because of it, but at the expense of the new spouse as well.
Many spouses are so hurt that they do not think about the consequences of their actions. All they want is to get even. But will you ever get even? Will your revenge be satisfied if you do? I doubt it. The solution to this kind of problem is usually difficult but not altogether impossible though. It has to be seen from case to case. Every marriage break up is different and every person is different. Each one reacts differently. However, if stalking is involved, you have to take action. We all have heard of the consequences of stalking, which can be very hazardous. If your country has legal facilities to take action against a stalking ex-partner, you should by all means do so.
Stalkers are people who need help, but they are also very unpredictable, domineering people. They just cannot accept the split. I myself have been the victim of an ex-wive of my husband. I know what I am talking about. These people will go to extremes in order to disrupt or destroy your marriage! Be careful about them. However, do not hate them. The Bible says that we ought to pray for those who persecute us and we ought to bless them (Mt 5:44). And God is right of course, as usual. These people need our prayers! Nevertheless, be careful, these cases need delicate handling. Never pay back evil with evil.
7. Financial difficulties
Now this can be a very huge problem within a marriage indeed. Many couples can not overcome the stress and strain of financial difficulties. You need to realize however, that every person has its own way of dealing with stress, also with financial stress. Many couples do not realize this enough, however. Sometimes couples act lightly and take huge loans, only to find out later that they have difficulty to repay these back. Usually these loans go along with high percentages of interest. This can so strain up the marriage’s finances that the marriage will often find themselves discussing and fighting, sometimes even about irrelevant things. This is due to the stress. At other times, a marriage can suffer from financial difficulty due to factors outside of their own doing; for example, a bankruptcy. This not only leaves a marriage (usually a family) not only with huge debts, but with no income as well. These are very stressful times for such a couple, and the marriage will only survive this stress and strain if the marriage is based on a solid fundament.
In Europe for example, many families and marriages suffer now economic difficulties due to the introduction of the Euro. The conversion was one to one and many families can simply not make ends meet. In Holland for example an estimate of 600.000 families are now living in very poor conditions. One can only imagine what these people are going through. I hope that their marriage is strong, because in situations like this, you need to be strong for each other. Each one of us needs to be supported by our partner and in return, we also need to be strong for our partners to support them. However, many marriages do not realize this enough. Instead, ,they only see their pain and their anxiety and never stop to think about what the other one is feeling. You need to realize that both of you are going through the same situation, even though, you have different ways of dealing with it. You must try to stay strong and keep an open mind in order to seek a way out of this problem, together. You need each other in these times. Do not resort to fighting, for this will only further the tension and the stress in the marriage and in the situation.
These are only a few of the problems that may arise in a marriage. I have tried to list the most common ones. If you want to read more about this topic, please order my booklet: Problems within a marriage, they can be solved.